For Mine Eyes Only
by SilverWolf7
Summary: In a way to try and help Spock deal with the death of his mother, planet and everything with it, the ship counsellor tasks him to not openly express his emotions like a human would, but to write them down instead.  He reluctantly agrees to it.
1. Beginning

A story done completely through diary entries. This is something I have never actually really tried before. While I have written a few diary entries in a larger story before, it has never been the entire story. I look forward to seeing how this turns out and hope that the readers out there are interested in continuing to read this story. Be warned. Some updates to this will be _extremely_ short. I used mine in the title as opposed to my...well, simply because in my head it sounds better. More possesive and personal.

I have no idea where this idea came from. It was sudden, it was overwhelming and I just had to start writing it. Several entries to this have already been thought out, though a few of those won't happen until much further down the road. I will post them as the ideas come. I have already got the idea for the second post. I won't post more than one entry a day though, as that seems a bit...excessive. There may be breaks between entries, as this is not my main writing project at the moment. I am currently writing in NaNoWriMo.

I am not American, so if spelling is way off, I apologise. My spelling is more along the lines of Australian/British. I am not purposefully trying to annoy people with this, though I do know it bothers some people out there.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story, with the exception of anyone you don't recognise. Doctor Stevens is mine, though anyone can take her if they really want. If they were mine, Vulcan would not have imploded and there would have been no romance.

* * *

For Mine Eyes Only

1

To properly keep this as private as possible, I am refraining from using the stardate. Instead, I will order these notes in numerical order.

It has been approximately one week since the start of our five year mission. I will not write the exact amount of days, again for privacy's sake.

Doctor McCoy refused to allow me to 'skip out' on a counselling session. I tried to explain that there was no need, that I would not lose control over my emotions again. He seems to think that is a problem. He does not seem to understand that it is the Vulcan way to control emotion, not suppress emotion. It was suppressing that led to my last loss of control.

That will not happen again.

Doctor Stevens, the counsellor on board, seems to think I am in need of an emotional outlet regardless of this. At least she understands that it is the Vulcan way to not openly express emotion. So, instead she gave me a choice of either a private video log or this written one. I found the idea of a video log unacceptable.

I am supposed to write down my thoughts and feelings.

I have a few problems with this, the main one (as stated already twice in this entry) is privacy. Doctor Stevens insists I write in Federation Standard, as a sign of trust. Who it is I am supposed to be trusting, I do not know. No one comes to my rooms but Nyota, and she would never betray me that way. Regardless, I will go by her rules.

While that is the main reason, there is another. I am reluctant to write about emotion, especially so close after such a dangerous lack of control. I told this to Doctor Stevens, but she refused to let the idea pass. She asked if I have talked of Vulcan to anyone. I answered her truthfully, no. She then went on to ask me if I think of it often. Again, I answered her truthfully with a negative.

I do not know what she gained from these answers, but she gave me this PADD to write in. I checked it over, just in case. It is personal and private. As long as someone doesn't open it and read my thoughts.

The idea worries me.

I have put locks on for additional protection. I will hide it. Yet I still have this irrational fear that someone will find this and read it.

I do not fully accept this, but if it will keep both Doctors happy, so be it.


	2. Touch

2

As a note, I will attempt to be more open with talk of emotion in these entries. It is not natural for me to even be writing these thoughts down, but if Doctor Stevens asks, at least I will not have to lie to her about it.

Our first orders have been seen to without a problem, and we are en route to the coordinates for the second order we have been given. Things are going smoothly aboard the ship.

This is not the first time I have been a crew member on board a starship. It is, however, the first time in which someone is trying to make me a friend.

It is not working. Though, considering it is the Captain trying, I am wondering what would happen to my position if I was to reject him that friendship outright. I am the First Officer aboard this vessel, and therefore I am supposed to be close to the Captain.

Being close to Captain Kirk would be a lot easier if he didn't touch me so often. He slaps my back, he pats my shoulder, and he looks over my shoulder as I am trying to work at the science station. It is a constant distraction to me, and he doesn't seem to realise that.

I talked to Doctor McCoy about it earlier today. I know that the two of them are friends, and so he was the most logical choice to go to with such a problem. His answer was not what I was expecting, nor was it helpful.

He told me that Captain Kirk was a person who touched as a sign of friendship and acceptance. That it wasn't in a way that was meant to make me uncomfortable, but to make me feel wanted, needed.

The only thing all this unnecessary touching is making me feel is the desire to strangle him once more. If he truly wants to try and make a friendship with me, which in itself makes me confused, he could respect my constant attempts to get him to stop what he is doing.

I cannot seem to tell him this out loud. My position as First Officer may be held in question if I do, though if it is, I am sure it will not affect my other duties as Science Officer. I would still be wanted as a valuable member of the crew. It relieves me to know this.

Doctor McCoy thinks if it is annoying me this much, I should tell him to back off. His words, not mine. I am not sure of the exact meaning. The Captain is fine where he is, as long as it is not touching me.

How am I supposed to tell my Captain that something that he does in a sign of acceptance is in fact not acceptable to me? And if I did, would it stop the constant assault upon my person? I don't think he realises it is an assault upon me. At least he hasn't tried for skin contact. He at least knows that much about Vulcans.

Maybe Doctor McCoy could tell him in my place?

I am conflicted. I need to meditate on this.


	3. Anger

3

I am angry.

I do not know why I am angry. Nothing has triggered this emotion in me since I destroyed the _Narada_ and Nero was killed. There is no reason for it, and yet I am.

I do not understand this.

The Captain has stopped his constant touching, Nyota has been eating morning meals with me, and Doctor McCoy has stopped calling me a Hobgoblin for the present.

This morning I was content with how things are running in my life and in the ship.

So why do I now feel anger?

I am not comfortable enough with anyone on the ship to go to them with this. Not even Nyota. I keep remembering what happened last time I felt like this and see my hands wrapped around her throat instead of Kirk's.

It is not a thought I like having. Nor one I would enact. Not with any true intent.

It is irrational, illogical, yet I can only come to the conclusion that I would not stop myself from doing so if I got close to anyone.

I would write about what happened to get the Captain to stop his touching, but I am not thinking adequately enough to order my thoughts properly. I will attempt to write it down tomorrow.

I left my post today with no reason or warning. That the Captain hasn't been here to see why, I can only estimate that Kirk has somehow become able to read me and knows that I needed to leave. That no one else has come tells me he is letting me have time alone.

I don't know whether to be pleased or let this further my anger.

I can't find enough balance in myself to meditate. I fear losing control again.

I can only hope that this anger passes and does not become a threat to the rest of the crew.

I am being extremely emotional today. I do not like it.

Perhaps I should try talking to father? He managed to help last time.

Mother would understand and explain it, but she is no longer here to help me when it comes to my emotions.


	4. Results

This entry is longer than the others by quite a lot, and also holds personal theories. I am getting my information from only what was shown in the movie, not what was written in the novel (which I haven't read to begin with) or the deleted scenes. I don't tend to use them as canon. And since my copy of the DVD doesn't actually come with the deleted scenes...yeah.

* * *

4

It has been approximately two week since the last I wrote in this. Not for emotional reasons, but rather work related ones. I have been planet side, collecting plant samples and making a catalogue of newly discovered animal species. It is this reason that I knew I would do well in Starfleet rather than the Vulcan Science Academy and signed up for both.

It has helped my control immensely to be part of such a fascinating project. It is something I am keen to do, and as Science Officer, I am qualified and have my own team working with me. It is very satisfying.

The Captain decided on the side of caution this time and stayed aboard the ship. Not a regular occurrence. He makes my job as First Officer as hard as possible. I am positive he does it deliberately.

I read over my last entry and found that I would write what happened to make Kirk stop in his constant touching. Also, I did talk to my father.

Since I am back to being content with my life and emotions are not being a problem I find this the right time to write these events down. The Captain first and then father, as that is the order events have happened in.

Captain Kirk came to my rooms unexpectedly, the night after my talk with Doctor McCoy. He wasn't angry, but he was frowning at me for not telling him. I think the emotion is frustration. I am not used to seeing it expressed, though I am familiar enough with the feeling. He told me that 'Bones' (what he calls the Doctor) told him that Vulcans didn't like being touched.

I accepted that Doctor McCoy had told the Captain about what I had queried him about. I was expecting it to be truthful. This seemed to confuse Kirk, who was expecting me to get angry over a lack of privacy.

How my asking a question that was neither personal nor medically related is private in the sense the Captain thought it would be to me? I did not ask for privacy in the matter. I didn't expect McCoy to not tell Kirk. The Captain needed to find out somehow and I had been unable to do it alone.

If anyone had the right to be angry from the conversations that took place, it should be the Doctor. And he wasn't. If anything, he stopped his teasing. For a while, since he is back to calling me Hobgoblin. Compared to what the Vulcans said to me, it is harmless and the doctor doesn't mean it in a malicious way. He tends to have some type of teasing remark or crude name for everyone. With me it is teasing. I have heard him call the Captain derogatory names and meant it in an affectionate way.

The Doctor is a compassionate human, once you get past the exterior. He reminds me slightly of myself. Not a lot of people bother looking further than skin deep, especially Terrans, though Vulcans are quite bad themselves at it.

The Captain apologised to me for his behaviour. I told him it was unnecessary, that he hadn't known. He insisted that if I had said something to him, he would have stopped.

He still does occasionally forget himself, but it isn't with slaps on the back any longer, just little touches on the shoulder. It is a much more comfortable place to be on the bridge than what it used to be. I can allow those small touches and it makes the Captain satisfied I am not rejecting him.

I am unsure if this new arrangement makes us friends or not. I haven't had a friend before to use as a reference point. This is probably something I will sort out given time on my own.

As to father, he did help.

I lost momentary control over the anger and yelled at him, but it didn't disappoint or upset him. It surprised me enough to stop the anger to see him calm as I shouted. He had always told me I should control that emotion more than others, because of how much it could interfere with my life on Vulcan. Since Vulcan's death, he has been telling me that I should express it.

I asked him why. The only answer he could give me was that the reference he had used was mother. If she didn't express her anger in some way outwardly, she tended to not speak to father. I took this as meaning he didn't want me not talking to him.

I think my future self and him have been talking to one another. I have been in contact with Ambassador Spock myself. He has told me about his relationship with his Sarek. I can't see my father as his. Compared to what my older self and his father had to me and mine, I am the better off of the two of us. I never lost my father's approval, even in joining Starfleet.

To not have spoken to my father for 18 years is unimaginable.

Since the time father told me that I shouldn't hide from the human half of myself, he has tried to accept me as being half human. Sometimes he failed in this, but he didn't reject me for any choice I made.

That must have been where the change happened between the two of us and is one instance of where my future was diverted from what it was originally supposed to be. In this instance, I am glad it was diverted. Father is all I have now.

I do still think that I should be watching mother grow old. That I should be trying to bridge a gap between Vulcan and Romulus, which will now never happen since Vulcan no longer exists.

I need to keep my eyes on the future and not look back. It is the Vulcan way. What is is.

Sometimes I find this hard to do.

Father admitted that he found it hard sometimes too. It makes me feel better knowing this.

I am not alone.


	5. Urges

5

I have the most unusual desire to mate.

I am not old enough for reproductive purposes. My Time, if I am even viable for it being a hybrid, is still years off.

I should not have this urge to mate until then.

I believe that it is due to Vulcan's destruction and the sudden massive decrease in population.

In human years, I would be considered an adult, with full reproductive tendencies. But I am not, and I have never felt this before. I have been in two relationships with human women, but none has yet led to consummation. That lack of sexual drive ended my first relationship, but the second is still ongoing. It is odd and distracting. I do not even know if I can go ahead with the act without bonding.

I am not ready to have that deep relationship with someone. I just lost my bondmate from childhood, T'Pring, with Vulcan's death. We were never close, the bond not very strong or often in use, so that hurt is not as strong as it should have been. We were not well matched, but she would have been there for me during my Time.

My father is having difficulties. He hasn't said anything about it, but I can see it in his eyes. He deeply grieves Mother's loss, and he also has most of the survivors looking to him for support. We have been in frequent comm-link contact since my anger entry. I think he is using me for support. I am helping the only way I know how from such a distance. So far it seems to be enough. I fear I will not be enough for very much longer.

If he is feeling this same urge, though he still has three years before his next Time, I am positive he'd be devastated over it.

He and Mother had a bond like I wish to have with my new chosen bondmate. I am lucky in that I do get to choose my next one. I can bond out of love, not need.

For now, I will have to talk about this subject with Nyota.

I am positive that, if I can manage to not bond with her outright, she will be amenable to mating with me. I will have to watch where I place my hands.

Nyota has been hinting to wanting a more sexual relationship with me, but we have yet to get past kissing.

This seems too fast for me, but with humans it is a different matter.

I have been with Nyota twice as long as I ever was with Leila.

I will go to her now with this. Neither of us is on shift at the present time.


	6. Misinterpretation

6

It is illogical to apologise to myself, but I feel the need to do so.

I misinterpreted my own needs.

I am not in the best mental place at the moment. When I found out how much of a misinterpretation it was, I did not take it very well.

Nyota is angry with me, but she is still willing to speak to me, and we will try to fix things. I don't think I can continue being as well as I am without her.

Vulcans don't take comfort from touch, unless from a bondmate. To be touching someone that closely, is to mate.

I am so used to thinking like a Vulcan, that when I am thinking in a purely human fashion, I miss it.

I wanted to be close to someone, physically. Physical closeness in Vulcans, as stated above, is reserved for mating purposes.

I wanted to be held.

It is possibly one of the most human things I have ever felt, but I recognise it now for what it is.

Nyota had seemed happy when I asked her if she wanted to mate. When we got to her bed and she was holding me, I was more content than I had been in what feels my entire life.

When she tried to initiate sex, I couldn't go ahead with it.

I am not ready, as I shouldn't be ready. I tried to explain it to her, but she took it as some sort of rejection.

Being held had been what I needed at the time. Now I have lost that.

I am not taking this to the Captain.

Jim might take it as an invitation to hug me. I am not that close to him.

At the same time, I need to be held.

I am acting very human. I don't like it.


	7. Worry

7

This is a bad week.

The only good thing to happen is Nyota apologising and telling me why she acted the way she did. I repeated my reasons of why I did what I did. She understands now.

I will never do that again. I don't think I'd be able to withstand her ending our relationship.

Father is in hospital. The pressure he has been under was too much for his heart. He suffered a heart attack. They found a fault. They wouldn't tell me more than that, but it has been fixed.

He was on Earth at the time. Thankfully, the Doctor he was given to deal with the problem is well informed in Vulcan anatomy, and father is recovering well. He talked to me yesterday, which made me put away some of the fears I have been having that he was dying.

I have discovered something else, too. In my anger entry, I wrote about the Captain not touching me, Nyota started having morning meals with me, and Doctor McCoy not teasing me. They are doing it again.

It is based on my mood. The lower my mood, the nicer they become. It is unnerving that I am that transparent to so many people.

It has gotten to the point where all three share meals with me. I think they are doing so to make sure I eat. I have no appetite and they must have noticed.

Nyota is spending all her spare time with me. The good about that is when I feel the need to be touched, she is there. The bad is that I am finding it increasingly hard to find privacy to meditate.

I am in desperate need of it. My sense of balance is slipping. While I am not close to losing control, I feel I may lose some part of myself if this continues.

I cannot explain it better than that. I feel broken in three pieces, and not between human and Vulcan, that is quite normal for me.

One part of me wants to stay here, on the _Enterprise_, and with people who respect and like me. Another part wants to go to my father and be with him on Earth for as long as it takes him to recover. It shouldn't be too long, he is strong now his heart has been fixed, and looks much better.

Another part of me wishes that I could spend my time living on some deserted planet somewhere so I don't have to try and live with all the troubles in my life. This part is the biggest.

Something is wrong with me, and I don't know what it is.

I will have to tell Doctor Stevens next time I see her. This is worrying me.


	8. Advice

8

I am being pulled in two different directions.

To start with, they look the same, but they are not. Both Doctor Stevens and Doctor McCoy are sure of one thing. I should not be alone.

Doctor Stevens told me exactly that, I should not be alone. I took her a little too literally for McCoy's liking.

Both Jim and Nyota were busy with a Communications problem yesterday morning, and so I shared my morning meal with McCoy only. It was different, but not entirely unpleasant.

I told him about this worry of mine. This need to be alone. He also told me I shouldn't be alone. I stated that the advice was the same as Doctor Stevens, and that it wasn't helping. If anything it is making my wanting to be alone even stronger.

It seems I misinterpreted again.

McCoy tells me that if I need some time alone that badly, that I should tell Nyota to back off. I want him to stop telling me to tell people to back off. I don't want Nyota to back off. She did that after our fight. I don't want her to do so again.

I told him this and he laughed. Sometimes human speech patterns truly make no sense to me.

He meant that I should tell her that I need at least an hour or two each day to myself.

I don't know which way is right. Should I not be alone at all, or should I follow the advice of the CMO aboard the ship, and tell her this? I still have not made up my mind. I am not sure I would be able to tell her even if I had decided upon that course of action.

I will get McCoy to tell her I think. He helped with my problem with touch near the start of this voyage, I'm sure he'd help with this one too. He hasn't told her yet, which probably means he does take this as a private matter.

I am glad.

I find spending time with McCoy a hassle, yet pleasant at the same time.

Odd.

Everything about me seems to be torn two ways.

McCoy is at least a good part of that rule, I find.

Not all things in my life are bad at the moment. I think my talk with McCoy and the one I will have with him later on tonight, are helping me settle myself.

I will have to thank him for it.


	9. Concentration

This little idea is what started this whole story in the first place.

* * *

9

I am unable to concentrate.

The day started off normally enough. And then two Ensigns were talking about gifts and their mothers.

Soon, the entire ship seemed to have been affected with this sudden obsession.

Nyota has been busy making up a list so that in two days' time, anyone who wants to can call their homes and especially their mothers. I asked the Captain why this was. He stated that, on that day Earth had a celebratory day called Mother's Day. It is a day to celebrate, express love and give gifts to your mother.

Vulcan does not celebrate this day. And if father ever celebrated it with Mother I do not know.

The talking and excitement around the ship is giving me a headache, and my concentration, as stated above, is not at optimum levels.

I excused myself from my post, since I was sufficiently stopped from doing my work properly, and spent the day in meditation.

It has not helped.

I am uneasy about how I will behave in the upcoming days.


	10. Ill

10

I slept through my shift today.

I woke up ill this morning.

McCoy believes it is from stress and has temporarily written me down as unfit for work. He gave me some pills to help me sleep. It helped a little.

I am now only slightly nauseous, and I believe it is due to the medication. I always have this reaction to what he gives me.

I did need the sleep.

I am dreading tomorrow. I am suffering enough without being constantly reminded of my losses.


	11. Refusal

Well, I did warn people at the start of this story that some entries would be extremely short.

* * *

11

I refuse to listen to anything happening outside my rooms today.

I refuse to let anyone in my rooms.

I refuse to step outside my bedroom.

I am going to bed and hope to sleep through this day.

I want it over and done with.

This is killing me.


	12. Plans

12

I survived the day and the night following it.

I didn't get any sleep. I do not think I have ever been this exhausted in my life.

McCoy, Jim and Nyota visited me through the day, yesterday. I ignored them all, though they seemed determined not to ignore me. They carried out entire conversations with themselves, making up my side of the conversation in their heads as far as I know, and answering the unspoken side of things.

It was unnerving.

The pain has not left. I thought it would, but it is still with me. It seems like a constant state of heartache, and it feels like a grip has been put around my ribs and is making it difficult to breathe.

McCoy seems to think I should have already been through this, but that I am too stubborn for my own good.

Jim told me about how boring it was trying to captain a ship when everyone else was distracted from their duties by a holiday.

Nyota took one look at me and kept apologising, touching my face and hands to send me her love and comfort. It was thoughtful of her, but a bit much given my own state of mind.

I need to write this down when I am in the right mind to think it. I have been having periods where I am unable to do much of anything, so this will probably be a lot longer than what I have written lately.

I am worried that this pain will be the death of me.

I will not take my own life. I cannot even think what that will do to father, and it would be unfair to the rest of the ship to have one of their crew die in such an unforgiving manner. But it is so strong, that sometimes it feels as though I would fall asleep and not wake up again. This is possibly one of the contributing reasons as to why I cannot sleep.

I understand now why father keeps telling me every time another Vulcan on the colony dies. He was doing his most subtle best to let me know what was happening.

I do not want to end up a statistic.

I need to let father know how I am, for if the worst happens and he finds out through Jim, I think it would kill him.

I only remembered that the will I wrote when I became an officer at Starfleet needs to be changed. Mother is no longer alive to claim her part of it.

Everything should be ready, just in case.

I need to stop writing now.


	13. Breaking

13

Another day passed and I am still here.

I thought it impossible to feel any worse than I already do.

I called father last night to tell him of my plans if I do happen to die of this. He was quiet for quite a while, before we talked about it. I think it was possibly the most in depth discussion on emotion I have ever had with him.

It was frightening.

I would have welcomed the conversation more, if father had not done the impossible.

I doubt I have one ounce of control left to myself now. Last night, when I told my father that I felt like this pain was killing me, he shed tears. I asked him to stop, and while he did, it was too late to stop me from seeing in the first place.

It was like watching my world shattering all around me once again. Father has always been the strong one. The one to help me with my control issues when I was a child.

If he is breaking, then what hope is there for me?

I will not stop trying to live through this, but it makes it hard.

I think I understand the Terran saying "The world has turned on its head" now. I have also heard it stated as the world crumbling around one, or turning upside down or inside out.

The tiniest thing and ones entire perspective of the world or one's life in it can change. Not many people have watched their world literally crumble around them, or turn inside out. My planet devoured itself from the inside out, because of a black hole placed in its centre.

It is a rather terrifying thing to have lived through.

Someone is knocking on the door. I think it is Nyota.

I will go now.


	14. Shame

14

I did something very stupid today.

I had a session with Doctor Stevens. That in itself isn't rare since I have been aboard the _Enterprise_. I still am not comfortable talking to her, but it is keeping me aboard and part of the crew. I will get back to work soon, with any luck.

She sees it as a good sign that I am now openly acknowledging this pain. She has at least been reassuring to me.

Since I hadn't stated anything of that nature at that time, I imagined that she had talked to Doctor McCoy.

When I got back to my rooms I found Nyota had left after I had. The cabin mirror showed me that I am clearly showing anything I feel. I have been avoiding looking at myself. I hadn't left my rooms since Mother's Day.

Shame filled me. I couldn't stop it, and I did the one thing I could think of to stop it.

I broke the mirror with my hand.

If anything, it made me feel worse. Everything I do these past few days seems to make me feel worse.

I am filled with the need to release this, but I don't know how. My body refuses to cry. I have actually tried. I am not angry, so yelling at someone will probably do nothing for this. I have no other ideas as to what to do.

At least I am thinking now that this will pass and I will not die of it. I keep living each day as it comes. I would not have believed it possible to live with this beforehand. I am still having trouble believing it.

Doctor McCoy told the Captain what I did with my mirror once I called him to see to my hand, as I was unable to do it on my own. I ended up having them both in here trying to figure out whether or not I was going to use the glass as anything other than turning my hand into a holding place for it.

The Captain cleaned up the glass himself. I tried to stop him, but when an idea gets in Jim's head, he refuses to let it go.

He wouldn't leave the room until he knew the glass was gone. He didn't want anyone else seeing what I had done.

While he was doing that, McCoy looked at my hand and made a fuss over it. He was very gentle, and I could feel his worry for me. It is the complete opposite to what his words would have me assume.

Humans are confusing...

My hand is better now, and they are both gone. I left a message for Nyota not to come tonight.

I need to think.


	15. Rambling

15

I want to go back to work.

I have nothing to do all day and it is starting to make me feel what the humans call cabin fever. I am beginning to get anxious that I will never get my job back. Or that I will only to lose it again, as I am not performing to my usual standards.

Nyota is at least keeping me company through the nights. It is nice to have someone to hold as I try to sleep.

I have not yet succeeded for more than a few minutes at a time. I am becoming irritable from lack of sleep. Most nights I spend with my head buried in Nyota's hair, breathing in her scent and the freshness of her person. It is a comfort to me. I am at least not spending my nights alone.

Those nights I do are by my choice and Nyota respects that.

I feel deeply for her. It is somewhat frightening. Is this what father felt for mother? If so, I can understand his need to cry just as I want to.

I still have no idea what to do with these emotions. It feels as though something is blocking me from getting through this. I know it is not the Vulcan way to express emotion but to control it, but if father can do so without fear than I can too.

I am feeling somewhat better today. The pain has not vanished by any means, nor has the level of such diminished in any noticeable way. I do not know why this is, but I welcome it. Maybe I am just more positive about survival now? I am still a little unsure about continued survival, but with each passing day that eases.

I should probably talk about it to someone. Doctor Stevens or McCoy, but I don't want either of them to know this. The Captain is busy and Nyota I don't want to hurt.

I am confused. I am bored. The combination is not doing me any good.

I think I may take a walk. I need to get out of my rooms sometime, especially if I tend to get back to work soon. It would also be a change of scenery.

My rooms are very Vulcan. Filled with things I had taken with me to the Academy. It is hurting me to stay in here with constant reminders, but I am reluctant to leave.

I have only managed to admit to myself that this is more of a reason I am reluctant to leave than whatever my emotional state may be at any given time.

I wish I had a photograph of my mother.

I am being very illogical of late. Yet again, as the good Doctor would state, I am grieving. I look like I am grieving. I should let myself damn well feel my grief. Pointy eared hobgoblin that I am.

His teasing insults don't affect me much any longer, unless he is truly angry and then his words bite deep. I am sure he means them when not angry in affection. I feel that whenever he touches me. Which is, of late, more than Jim does. McCoy is, after all, my Doctor. My coordination lately has not been very good and I end up with scrapes and bruises that refuse to heal properly because of an inability to meditate and heal myself. My body is deceiving me.

I need to rest. My eyes are closing as I write.

Perhaps tonight I will get lucky and get some proper sleep.

I apologise for rambling. Not that this is exactly sane...

I really need to get back to my work.


	16. Blame

16

I followed Jim to the bridge today, just for something to do. It was not what I expected.

The alpha bridge team, the people I mainly work with seemed to be glad to see me. There was no worry or pity, which I had been expecting, as I have seen it before. I have been gone a sufficient amount of time for them to be nothing other than glad to see me.

It lifted my mood a bit to be there. Lieutenant Rhee is taking over my shift as Science Officer for the time being. Mister Scott has taken over the duties of First Officer. He is not happy with the arrangement, too far away from his engines.

I didn't stay for very long. I just wanted to see if I was still welcome, and I am definitely that.

Ensign Chekov followed me out.

He kept apologising to me, though I had no idea for what until he told me that he felt guilty for killing my mother.

He thought I blamed him for it. How could I have ever blamed him for killing her? He is still a boy in human terms. Seventeen years of age. He had the fastest hands on board for pulling who he got out in the time period given. That mother fell was not his fault.

She died accidentally, though I do blame Nero for it. He was the one who made the world fall apart. Who made the cliff she was at the edge of collapse. But that she fell and that it was the piece of cliff she happened to be standing on that fell away right that second was chance. Her death in itself was no one's fault.

I think it would be easier to accept if she had been outright murdered by Nero. At least then I would have had a more personal reason to have killed him.

I cannot stop thinking about her.

I can't stop thinking of things I could have done that would have saved her life.

It is much too late for thoughts like this, and they are completely illogical, but I find myself wondering if she had just been closer to me she'd still be alive. If I was closer to her, I could have grabbed her and pulled her back out of harm's way. What if I had kept hold of her hand and not let her wander there in the first place. What if she had stayed back with father?

I am upset over thinking these things, because they will not bring her back.

I am still having trouble expressing these emotions. Not only does it feel against my nature, but it is something that I have been taught, more than possibly any other Vulcan, to hide. But I cannot hide from this, it is much too deep. It is impossible to even try to control.

Though even through this lack of control, I am unable to do anything about it.

I fear it is driving me mad.

I have completely stopped sleeping, unable to close my eyes because I keep seeing her fall. I cannot stomach food, even the smell makes me slightly nauseous. I feel I am just waiting at the moment. For what, I don't know, but it is slowly killing me.

I am running out of energy. I am winding down.

Something needs to give and soon.

It will either be my body or my emotions. For once, I am hoping it is my emotions.

I am in desperate need of relief from this.


	17. Embarrassment

17

I can't win.

I finally have had the emotional release that I so desperately wanted.

Now I am wondering how to turn it off, so to speak.

I have trouble stopping now I have started.

I will write of that later, when I can think a bit more clearly without an embarrassing display of emotions.


	18. Troubled

18

I doubt I would be here any longer if it wasn't for Doctor Stevens, Nyota, Jim and McCoy.

I have caught myself thinking continuous thoughts on dying, death and giving up this past week.

This is very hard to write down, let alone talk about. But if I do not, then I feel I may just give in to the feeling.

I have been seeing Doctor Stevens every day this week. Voluntarily. She is oddly one of the few people I am comfortable talking to now.

Some days are harder than others.

I don't know if it was Stevens or McCoy, but one of them got in contact with my father to tell him of my emotional state of being. He is dropping everything he is doing on the colony to come here. It does not make me feel better to know he is thinking of me more than the other survivors.

He called me and told me, in words I would be more than likely to hear coming from McCoy, that I am the one thing that truly matters to him right now, the good of the many can wait for his son to get better.

He swore.

I cried.

Today is one of my good days. I actually feel better today than I have in quite a while.

Hopefully it is a good sign that I am getting better.

Still, I will wait a few days before attempting to write down what made me break in the first place. It is an extremely delicate topic for me to think about, and I am finding it hard to find the right words to even write it down.

Doctor Stevens thinks it will help me if I could write it down, since I am unable to talk of it.

I think she may be right.


	19. Tears

19

Father is currently sleeping on my bed. Since I have barely used it for sleep, it was only fair he had it to rest himself.

He doesn't look too well. Possibly part of that is due to his worry over me.

He rushed to get to the Star Base we were docked at so he could come aboard before we left. He had only been there five minutes before we were leaving, and he looked rushed.

I feel guilty over this.

He shouldn't be here.

Yet, at the same time, I am glad he is. We have been with each other constantly since his coming on board. I didn't expect it to be such a comfort to me.

It hasn't helped with my sleeping difficulties, or with the sudden onset of tears I go through.

The one good thing is the intensity of the crying has faded a bit. It doesn't hurt as much, or is as loud. It still happens regularly and sometimes for no reason at all. I think it will always be highly embarrassing for me. I am grieving in a very human way I expect.

Father has been very affectionate. It is odd to have him be so towards me. With mother he was at times, especially on days she took as holidays, but other than that he was not overly affectionate. Now it is as if he needs to remind himself I am still here, by touching me whenever he finds it appropriate.

It is wanted touch on my part. It feels good to be wanted in this way by father, especially as my thoughts when I was a child verged on him not liking me or my thinking there was something wrong with me.

My mother was openly affectionate to me at home. I think I just expected father to be as well. He was not, but yet again, he wasn't raised to be as such. He raised me right for a Vulcan, while my mother was very human in her methods. It confused me to what I should expect from both of them.

Sometimes I told mother to stop touching me, that it wasn't supposed to happen, that it was wrong. I'd give anything for her to hold me right now.

The screen has gone blurry due to tears.

I need to stop writing now.


	20. Grief

I apologise now if this chapter is no good. I hope it is good, but I am not too sure it is what anyone was expecting, or will like. But, here it is anyway. I hope some of you out there reading this story likes it.

* * *

20

I am about as ready as I will ever be, I think, in writing down what it was that got me to my breaking point.

In my rambling post, I stated that I wanted a photograph of mother. The wording was a little archaic, but I have soon put into perspective that I meant it in that way. I have no camera, but it would have been an old fashioned way of capturing her image and a way to keep it. It would have been further away from me in an illogical form of sense.

It would have been less personal than today's methods of capturing images for keeping.

I asked father if he had any visual reminders of her. He said yes and sent me 5 minutes of footage from her last birthday.

I was entranced by it. I watched it all day, comforted by seeing her so happy, smiling and clearly enjoying herself. It managed in the time I was watching it, to wipe away the memories of her fall and death.

It was the first time I had ever seen my father smile. I now can believe him when he stated that he loved her. He even kept this side of himself hidden from me until her death.

I sometimes did wonder how mother would be able to stand a Vulcan as a husband, being so unemotional compared to humans. It didn't even come into my mind that he'd openly show his emotions to her in private. I feel extremely naive over the matter. It gives me hope for a future with Nyota if she decides she wants to stay with me.

I missed her last birthday, having been busy for the Academy. Watching even that tiny part of it, made me part of the small celebration of life in a post event way.

I probably would have been happy watching it all night too, but Nyota came over that night, seeing as I had not told her I would rather stay with what little of mother I had now. She didn't think it was healthy for me to stay in front of my monitor watching the same 5 minutes over and over again.

She was, of course, right. But at the time I could not see it.

She turned it off.

I, in human terms, lost it.

My mind blanked. I forgot how to turn the vid back on, how to turn the screen itself back on. The loss of mother's image cut through me so completely that it felt at the time even worse than watching her fall.

I screamed out my denial, I begged to Nyota to turn it back on, to bring my mother back to me. I broke the monitor in an attempt to get it back on and the pain ripped through me so intensely I couldn't move. I couldn't get to my feet.

Nyota must have left to call McCoy to my rooms, because she disappeared from my side for a few minutes, and a few more after that, the Doctor was there too. I could not calm down, I had lost track of how long exactly it took, I had no other thoughts than to get my mother back, but the knowledge that there was no getting her back, that all I had was a few minutes of footage of her past, was too much for me.

It was that moment that I finally accepted that my mother was truly dead. I had no idea that there was a difference between having the intellectual knowledge of it and the emotional knowledge of it.

There is one though. I think it was the emotional part of it I was waiting for.

Once it had truly registered with me, I stopped my begging and started crying.

I don't have much recollection past that point for the rest of the night. Mostly it was sensation. Tears that seemed endless in supply and hurt in their force. Nyota's arms holding me in an attempt to console me, which didn't work at the time. McCoy had been waving his tricorder around me. I recall the sound of it in my ears slightly in the background of my own loud sobbing.

I know I ended up waking up on my bed the next morning. It was the last bit of sleep I have had, and it was through utter exhaustion.

I have yet to repeat that abysmal performance and doubt I will again, but for weeks I have had extreme moments of grief in which, once again, I thought I'd never be finished with crying.

The tears always stopped, regardless of what I thought. And, as I said in my last entry, they have become less extreme and easier to deal with.

I have a new monitor in my rooms now.

Father and I watched the vid together earlier today, father seated on the chair, me in his lap. It was a re-enactment of a time when I was a small child and mother had gone back to Earth for a wedding of a friend, and we were not invited. I had not understood why mother was gone then, and father said she'd be back shortly enough, and had sat me down with him to watch a few minutes of footage taken at home, from when I had been an infant.

I am much taller and older now, but it felt good to be replaying over a memory that had given me some relief and comfort in the past. I think father understood that and that was why he allowed it.

We wept together during the viewing and for the first time it didn't feel wrong or embarrassing. It felt right, cleansing in a way.

I feel better now. Emotionally more stable.

This is the kind of release I wanted and expected from the start. I had to work to get here though. I now understand what Doctor Stevens meant when she said it would take work to get to this point. I now also understand why McCoy kept me from my job. He knew all my energy and time would need to go into this. This way, I had no distractions keeping me from handling my grief and getting through it. Distractions to me would have halted any progress. That would be the Vulcan in me.

It is still hard and very painful, but I will definitely survive from this point onwards.

I am hoping this new state of peace within myself will see me through a night of sleep.

I still need that.


	21. Unwell

21

I got some sleep. Not much and definitely not enough considering how much I have lost the past few months, but still, it is better than no sleep at all.

I feel odd. Light headed and slightly irritable. I am either sick or I really need to go back to bed.

I hope it is just my lack of sleep because I wish to get back to work soon. The sooner I have something more to do with my time the better.

I am doing better now apart from this. So far today anyway, considering it was only yesterday I wrote my last entry.

I am going to go visit sick bay just to make sure I am healthy, since I am still finding it hard to concentrate enough for meditation and I have lost some of my natural sense of my own body.

I still need more sleep, and then I will try to meditate.

I am back from sick bay.

I have caught a 'bug' of some kind. McCoy wouldn't tell me what it was, but judging from his amused look and the smile on his face, it is not anything that will affect my life expectancy.

I am going to attempt more sleep, as I am beginning to feel slightly feverish now.

I hope this illness doesn't last long.


	22. Sleep

22

I am well again.

I was sick for three days. Once the fever broke, it only took another day to get back to health.

Doctor McCoy is unsure what exactly it had been, only that it acted quite like a mild case of human influenza. It is possible that it was some strain of this. I am half human after all. Though, usually my Vulcan half would stop the diseases that humans normally get.

It is possible it was a version that was attracted to Vulcans and it is due to my human side that it was so mild and passed quickly. It would explain why McCoy didn't recognise it fully.

Either way I wasn't badly ill and while I did feel nauseous during the second day, that passed after I got some proper rest.

I spent most of that time sick asleep.

It did me some good in that regard.

I am now more alert and am able to meditate in a light way. I am too restless to go any further than that, but it is helping me greatly. Father seems to be much calmer in himself too, which gladdens me to see.

He will only be staying for another week, before he has to go back to the colony, though I am glad he came. I needed him here with me, even if it was for a few weeks only.


	23. Relationship

23

Father now officially knows about my and Nyota's relationship status.

He found out in the wrong way. I should have told him, but I didn't know how or even if he would find it important or not. So, instead, like all embarrassing occurrences in my life, he walked in on me and Nyota sharing a kiss.

She had come over to my rooms once father had gone to the observation deck he uses for meditative purposes. I was going to tell father when he got back, so we had decided to talk instead of doing anything intimate.

She told me of her day and how everyone was doing on the bridge. I have decided to go for another visit tomorrow, as I am beginning to miss the people there. It is an odd sensation to be feeling. All of them are perfectly healthy and in easy reach to get to, yet I am missing them.

I think this must be my need for getting back to work mixing with my grief for those I have already lost.

If I am still doing well by the time father leaves, McCoy has said he would put me back on duty.

It is good news and has lifted my mood.

Back to Nyota, she finished talking of her day and we ran out of things to say. We haven't seen each other very often in the past few weeks. First with my mood being so low and my ignoring her, and then with father here she's been giving my time to him instead.

It makes me feel warm inside to know she'd do that for me and my father, to give us this time together.

I don't know who started the touching, but soon enough she was sitting on my lap and our hands were wandering, our lips together. That was how father found us.

He apologised and left right afterwards, not wanting to disturb us, but he had already done so.

I now understand why humans hate blushing so much. It heats up your insides in a most uncomfortable way in places that really shouldn't be affected like that unless there is a fever involved.

He came back half an hour later and called out first.

Nyota had left by that time, also embarrassed by being seen that way by my father. I wonder if she would have felt the same way if it had been mother instead. I wonder if I would have. I would have loved for mother to have met Nyota. I'm sure she would have approved.

Father wasn't too impressed with me for not telling him beforehand, and I apologised.

I don't know if he approves or not. He is a little angry with me I think for having found out the way he did, but hopefully Nyota's willingness to give us time together will be worth something to him.

He did seem relieved that I had friends and someone who may still be there when my Time comes, if it comes.

There are very few Vulcans left that are unbonded. I fear there will be trouble in the near future due to this.

At least I know that father is probably safe for the time being, and will mate outside of the Vulcan race.

Hopefully his anger will fade soon enough, and he will be able to accept my relationship with Nyota.


	24. Work

24

Father has left and I am back to my work.

I was not expecting everyone on the bridge to be so happy to see me in a working capacity. I had made it a habit to go there every day for at least a few minutes before I was signed back on to do duties, just so I could get used to the people again.

The casual way they all treated me then to the happy obeying they do now I am back to work is disconcerting.

They weren't very happy with my ordering them about before, rather taking orders from Captain Kirk when orders were necessary. He wasn't on the bridge all day today though, which means putting me in charge.

I enjoyed it. I was finally doing something productive again.

I think it was a test to see if I was truly fit for duty. I must have passed if it was, as after the alpha shift had finished and I was making my way back to my rooms for my food card for the replicators in the mess hall, Jim kept smiling at me and touching my shoulder. I could feel his satisfaction that I had done a good job through the small touches.

Did he honestly think that I would not be able to do a job that I have done for a while now?

I have no idea what anyone else was expecting, but I would not have started again if I wasn't sure I would be back to optimum working condition. I am. I could tell that by myself. Is my word not good enough for my Captain and Doctor to take as truth?

The important thing is I am back to the science station and at the Captain's side in an official capacity.

I am waiting now for the fall back from my extended time off. I don't think Starfleet would be too happy with me.

I am sure I will be able to keep my job. Oddly, the thought of being punished by Starfleet for recent events and my out of control emotional state doesn't upset me as much as it would before the destruction of Vulcan and my mother's death.

I think it may have something to do with my growing understanding of what a friend is and my better relationship with father. Those two things are possibly the only two good things to have come out of this mess.

I am amazed that there are some good points at all.


	25. Lie

25

It has been a few days since I began work, and two weeks since feeling better.

I had thought the bad days were behind me, but I was wrong.

Today was a bad day.

It was not bad in the way it was before feeling better. It is less hurtful and more annoying, though the pain is still there and prominent. I woke up in noisy tears and was in a low mood for the majority of the day. I don't recall bad dreams. I don't recall any dreams at all.

I shouted at Lieutenant Sulu earlier after a remark that both was not worth the anger and was the answer to the Captain's question at the time. I was told to leave the bridge for a few minutes, and so I did. I apologised once I got back. I should have called in sick today, I think.

Hopefully I don't have as many days like this as I had beforehand.

Everyone on the bridge seemed to be asking if I was alright after that.

I lied and said I was.

I don't like lying. It is both not very Vulcan, and not a nice thing to do in the first place.

The bad mood I was in began lifting once my shift was over.

I think I need to put more time aside for meditation. It has helped me sort out my feelings for today with little problem and I am back to feeling calm and centred.

The Captain is at the door, wanting to speak to me about the incident earlier today.

I will be back tomorrow with a report on what this talk is about.


	26. Indulgence

26

The last thing I wrote was that I'd write down my discussion with the Captain.

Oddly enough, there isn't much to say.

The discussion was filled with two words. Bad day. He asked it as a question, and with the slightest nod of my head, he grinned, nodded back and proceeded to set up a chess board he had brought along with him.

We played a few games in almost silence, only the words 'check' and 'mate' being used sporadically throughout the evening. I didn't win all games, which pleasantly surprised me. I have found someone more my match at playing chess with.

It calmed me further and now I am back to having good days it seems. Yesterday must have been a one off somehow triggered by the way I woke up.

It is still not unusual for me to cry, but the volume of such episodes and the intensity has almost gone. I don't fight it any longer, which may be the reason why. Beforehand I was always fighting my own emotions.

I am worried it is indulging the human side of me, but at the same time, I am relieved to know that father has no human side yet he is going through the same emotions and reactions I am, just going about handling them in a slightly different way.

The duality of this is only slightly different to my normal battle between my Human and Vulcan halves. Half the time I am unsure which side I am indulging.

I need to go to work soon. I am writing this in the morning instead of the afternoon. I am going to Nyota's cabin tonight. She has a special night planned for us and she doesn't know I am keeping a written account of my grief.

Meditation before my shift starts is a good and calming thing. I will need to keep on with it and add it to my schedule.

I have to go now or I will be late.


	27. Jealousy

27

I am troubled by Nyota's patience with me.

It doesn't always show, and occasionally we have our arguments over such things, but she is willing to forgo something so basic to human nature just to stay with me, that I am having difficulty believing it is happening.

Perhaps she is not being patient at all. While I cannot catch the scent of another male on her, she may be hiding the scent from me. She is a clean woman, neat and precise, and they are some of the reasons I find myself drawn to her.

I am experiencing jealousy just thinking about Nyota being with another male in a sexual way, and I have not yet gotten that close to her. She wants to, and tells me so every now and then. I cannot help but feel pressured about this.

I don't think she will wait much longer. She's getting extremely irritable with me. Our special night was stopped by her once again trying to initiate sexual intercourse with me. She told me to get out if I didn't want sex.

I know Jim is attracted to her. Heard the stories about how he tried for years to get with her, before she chose me. He is persistent like that in things he truly wants. I am troubled by thoughts of Nyota leaving me for Jim.

I won't be in control of myself for very long if that happens, and I am afraid that my hands will once again be wrapped around Jim's neck, but this time I'd not stop.

Everything in me is shouting that Nyota is mine, but she has no way of knowing this but for my touch, my kiss and my word. Emotions in humans can fade, and she may think my feelings for her are not true. Even worse, her feelings for me may be fading.

I don't know what thought is giving me more trouble. Maybe I should try and initiate a meld with her, so she knows exactly how I feel, and hope that is enough.

I am worrying myself into a state with these thoughts.

With everything I have lost within this year, I am terrified that losing Nyota, even if not to death, would break me completely, and this time there would be no bringing myself past the worst of the grief.

I'd be lost.

I need to talk about this with someone, but don't know who? Should I go to Nyota with it? Or should I warn Jim away? Or should I divulge this information to Doctor Stevens and hope that she gives me some good advice?

I might do the last. Stevens has helped me through things so far. Maybe she could help me through this too?

If this doesn't resolve itself soon, I am going to lose my mind.


	28. Reassurance

28

I talked to Doctor Stevens. She now understands the situation better than anyone. I was able to successfully tell her the problem.

I have no idea how to talk about these things with Nyota, and every time I try I end up just saying that I am not ready. After I say that, she waits for a while, before trying again. And again I say I am not ready.

Doctor Stevens has suggested I take Nyota in with me on my next session. She seems to think that a mediator may be a good idea. I agreed. It makes me nervous to let Nyota in with me in this way, but if it will help, and seeing it is my current problem, I will allow it.

I did talk to Jim about my thoughts on this.

He told me, in his words, that I was being an idiot. That he had stopped chasing after her the moment he realised that Nyota was with me, and he wouldn't go after her again even if we break up, as he knew it would hurt me.

It helped ease that fear. He said it very seriously and honestly. He gets this look in his eyes when he talks this way that says he means exactly what he states.

It does not erase the fear that Nyota might leave me if the problem is not fixed, and soon. But it does fill me with warmth to know that Jim values my friendship and company enough to not want to do me harm, in any form of the word.

The reassurance is enough for now, until my next session and I find out how Nyota takes the news of what exactly a Vulcan saying they're not ready means. I know it is going to hurt her, and I think that is one of the reasons I find it so hard to say.

If I am lucky, she will understand the situation and know it is not her fault and it is not for my lack of emotional attachment towards her.

Right now, I do not like my own biology. If this part of me was human, this problem would not exist.


	29. Nervousness

29

I have spent the past week in an almost constant state of nervousness.

Outside our alpha shift duties, Nyota and I barely talked to one another let alone spent any time together. I have done some beta shift work, seeing as I was avoiding talking to Nyota to begin with. The busier I am, the less time there is to speak to each other.

Jim was not happy with that and stopped me before it became habit.

The 'talk' occurred earlier today, after my shift. Nyota's answer to whether she will stay with me hasn't yet been given. I am giving her the time to think about it, as she at least is now in possession of the facts on the matter.

If she says no, I will be hurt, but it is better than the thought of her being with someone else, while pretending to be with me.

That would be hell.

The session with Doctor Stevens went well in that regard. I was so nervous I could barely get a word out, and since I informed Nyota before we went in that the doctor knew what I wanted to say, it didn't feel so much like me betraying her when I ended up giving Stevens permission to state the facts to Nyota in my place.

I was there to answer the inevitable questions afterwards, and the way it was worded made it clear that they were my words and not something the doctor was making up.

I am glad Doctor Stevens was considerate enough to write down my exact writing and memorised it before today. Using my words helped ease things a bit, and Nyota wasn't angry that I found it hard to speak of.

I think she now understands why I have been telling her the only answer I have so far. I thought it was explanation enough, forgetting that she had a human sexual appetite and would inevitably become frustrated with me over it.

The nervousness is still with me, but not so much a problem. Now I can relax and wait.

It is all I can do to hope for a positive answer.

I'd ask for luck from Jim, but it wouldn't come off as very Vulcan. He's seen me in tears and yet I worry about this.

Interesting.

I have to go now, as Jim has brought over the chessboard for the evening. I can lose myself in a game of chess and forget this whole mess for a few hours.


	30. Relief

30

Nyota said yes. She is staying with me.

The relief I feel is very great at that news.

It has taken her two long weeks to reach this decision.

Doctor McCoy thinks he might be able to find a way to allow my human half have more hold in the sexual way, without triggering off my Time. I haven't yet told Nyota this, though I plan to tonight. We are going to have dinner together.

If there is a way to do this, then I am more than willing to try. I must admit to being quite curious.

The only problems I can see is it may trigger off the Vulcan side instead. Or, it could make me very ill, instead of doing what it is supposed to. I do tend to get ill whenever I have any of McCoy's potions.

At least Nyota knows what to expect now and accepts the situation for what it is.


	31. Failure

I...am not happy with this chapter. First entry that I can say that about.

* * *

31

The first attempt has been nothing other than one extremely discomfiting failure.

I was in the sick bay most of the day, due to side effects, which involved me having to be in the near vicinity of both a toilet and an emesis basin. Hopefully, with my added input and help for the next little potion McCoy decides to make for me, I will be able to skip the unwanted vomiting and diarrhoea.

I must have had an allergic reaction to something in it.

Still, at least I do know it was the attempt and not my being sick again that set off my body dispelling the drug in the ways it knew how.

I actually got both McCoy and Nurse Chapel to wish me good luck for the next try.

I think the Head Nurse holds some form of affection for me. I hope she knows I am taken.


	32. Interests

32

The second attempt went better. I neither got sick, nor was I affected in any other way.

It did absolutely nothing, which, considering my unique physiology is a curiosity in itself. It is very difficult to find a drug that does not make me ill, so one that does nothing is a strange thing to have found. If nothing else, we can use it for purposes that I will not mention even in here, in case Starfleet somehow get their hands on my writings through...less than legal ways.

I have decided on only one more try. Apart from the interesting scientific challenge this is proving to be, and it is as much scientific as it is medical, I doubt McCoy would allow me to continue being a test subject for too much longer.

I think I will actually miss this. It is a challenge on its own that is very much to my interests. Still, I will comply with the good Doctor's wishes and stop after the next test.

I have heard the saying 'third time's a charm' being used by both McCoy and Nurse Chapel. It would be good if that is true, and I hope it is.

Nurse Chapel keeps smiling at me. She knows full well I would not smile back. Is she expecting me to?

My supposed love life is getting complicated.


	33. Pleased

33

The third attempt went a little wrong. Or right, considering whose point of view it is looked at. It was wrong in mine. McCoy thought it was a good step forwards.

He won't allow me to continue on, even though he thought it good. Mainly, I think, because he has had enough of my constant nearness. We seem to annoy each other greatly sometimes.

The third drug used made me slightly paranoid. I kept thinking people were watching me, spying on me, listening to everything I say and do. It unnerved me. Thankfully, it didn't last very long. McCoy seems to think that it may have been a side effect and the drug may have worked otherwise.

It doesn't matter now, as all attempts are finished and I will have to do without.

Before I left to tell Nyota the bad news, McCoy took me aside, away from the eavesdropping of the nurses, and asked how much I knew of human sex.

It was embarrassing. I did not learn much from the Academy about that, even though I knew instinctively it was all around me. I chose to be ignorant in the matter, and I have now been thoroughly laughed at because of it.

If it wasn't for McCoy, I would never know that there were other ways to give sexual pleasure, without actually going about sexual intercourse as I know it.

I feel extremely naive, but enlightened about this. It gives me some measure of comfort to know that I can at least please Nyota without her having to wait for me.

I am quite pleased right now.

Now all that is left to do is to see if Nyota will feel the same way.

I don't know her views on such practices. She may not like the idea.

It sounds quite...sticky.


	34. Selfish

34

Any thoughts of sex or any type of pleasure gained by stimulating sexual organs has been delayed. I cannot seem to think of it with our latest orders. Nyota will have to wait.

I have no idea where the time has gone. I have a perfect sense of time and yet the latest orders from Starfleet were to turn around and return back to Earth. They don't want anyone on this ship to be working through the two weeks following a month from now. So, we get shore leave.

There is only a month left, a month in which to get back to the Academy.

A month from today will mark the Terran year since the destruction of Vulcan. A month from today and it would be a year since my mother died. There is to be a memorial service for those Starfleet officers and cadets who had lost their lives, and for Vulcan and the major losses my people have been through.

The thought fills me with sadness and an odd sense of dread.

I thought I was getting better. I have been able to control myself again, I have stopped crying, and my life was getting back to normal. And now it feels as though all the sadness and grief is rushing back to the surface.

I am still in control of most of my emotional responses, though the alpha bridge crew have remarked that I have been looking a little pale since the message came.

For that matter, so were they.

I don't think there is a person on the ship that didn't live through the battle with Nero unscathed or without losing at least one loved one on another of the star ships. Most have lost friends, some family, others lovers, most lost fellow cadets and people they knew, even if not by name. They saw each other nearly every day.

Those of us who were not cadets lost students, people under our care, and fellow officers. I live with that loss on top of my other losses.

I cannot help but feel that I lost more than anyone else in the whole mess with Nero, that my pain is greater and more legitimate. I am being very selfish with that thought, but it fills me, and I am beginning to frown at anyone crossing my path.

I do not want a repeat of my actions during Mother's Day. I am afraid that will happen again and it is putting me on the defensive.

I can immediately sense that this month, on the way back to my new home, will be hard for me to cope with.

I will have to visit my grandparents when I get back. I promised them I would when next I was on Earth last time I contacted them over the com link in my rooms at the Academy. That was before Nero. They worry for me when I am on board a star ship in a working capacity.

How do I tell them that their daughter is dead because of me?


	35. Stress

Yes, this is all the chapter. I know, it doesn't end. It was written that way on purpose.

* * *

35

I have taken the rest of the time off. I can't work like this.

One more week to go and I am feeling worse with every passing day. My nerves are gone from stress. I jump at sounds that usually would get no reaction from me. I keep imagining that we're going back to Earth to die. My hands won't stop shaking.

I said I didn't want a repeat performance of my actions when I went through Mother's Day. This is worse. This is much worse.

Before this order to get back to Earth, I could pretend that I went to see Doctor Stevens because of orders to do so. It was to begin with, but didn't stay that way.

Now I need help. Desperately.

I don't think this is enough.

I have no idea what I need, but I do need something. I just haven't received it yet.

I am not going through my Time, but I imagine this is how it feels, with the burning of the fever along with the anxiety. I do not look forward to going through that at all.

As with that problem, I fear this one will kill me too, if I don't find what I need and quickly.

McCoy has given me some pills for the anxiety today. He said they work fast, and will probably make me drowsy. I have just taken the proper dose and am waiting for the


	36. Love

36

Nyota now knows about these writings of mine. I fell asleep so fast and sudden last night that I didn't finish my entry. A lack of sleep with the addition of medication that can make one drowsy does not sit well with a continued wakeful state.

She came in to spend some time with me. We have been holding each other during the nights for quite a while now, but we seem to have somehow gotten closer now then we had when it started. We both need the comfort.

She wanted to talk about Gaila, her Orion roommate, but instead found me collapsed on my desk, with this PADD in my hands still. She read part of my entry and told me she stopped when she realised it was a journal. She saved it and turned it off.

I believe she was telling the truth on stopping, though I was horrified enough at the thought of her even knowing about this.

These are very personal thoughts and feelings and I didn't want anyone but those who knew I had it to begin with knowing of its existence.

I am sure she will not tell anyone of this.

All I really know is I fell asleep at my desk and woke the next morning on my bed, with her holding me in a way that made me feel secure.

She immediately told me about knowing of my writings, which at least allows me now, a few hours later, to accept that she was telling the truth.

The pills seem to work, now that I have had an abundance of sleep. I am much calmer and while I still have my emotional upheaval to deal with, I can at least think more clearly on it. They do make me slightly drowsy, but not enough to make me sleep like they did last night.

I talked to Nyota about my thoughts the past few weeks and she has decided that she'd go with me for moral support if I decided to expand on psychological counselling. I don't think it would be too good an idea for me to go on my own, so I accepted her offer.

I will speak of this to Doctor Stevens later on today. She has the right to know and be ready for when I get back on board after the two weeks of shore leave is up.

I feel supported by Nyota.

I feel so much for her, I can't imagine doing this without her.

I am wondering why I seem to try and push her away in moments of emotional release, when it is not needed. She is the one person I can trust completely with my self. I think I will wait until the worst of this pain is gone and once again assess my emotional responses to her.

I have the most fascinating theory that I may have deeper feelings for her than even I thought possible.

She doesn't even mind that I yelled at her for reading a few lines of my last entry.

I think she even understands why I yelled at her over it.

She stayed anyway and helped me through some of the devastating emotions I have been trying to cope with on my own.

I fear now I am repeating myself far too often.

I don't care.

I think I may be in love.

It is an odd epiphany to have when everything else in my life seems so negative.

Even as grieved as I am, there seems to be some good left. And I am going to hold onto that as tightly as I can, in case it too decides to disappear.

I survived last time I felt badly, I can survive this time too.


	37. Pain

37

Early morning and the sun hasn't yet risen.

I can't fall back asleep.

Today is the day of the memorial.

I hurt badly...


	38. Comfort

38

Yesterday is over.

It was, without a doubt, the worst day of my life. It was like living the day I lost Vulcan and my mother and most of the graduating class of cadets all over again, with the added emotional responses from all survivors around me, plus the pitying looks from everyone and their touches.

No one would leave me alone all day. With Jim and Nyota and McCoy, it is fine. They are a small group of people I can call friends, and Nyota far more than that, and I have allowed them this.

Why the destruction of my world (Starfleet seemed to forget that I work for them, and therefore also lost a lot more than just that) seemed to make people think a Vulcan's rule about personal touching would cease to exist, I do not know, but it seems that it has.

By the time I could get away, I was in so much inner turmoil, I could barely think a straight thought, let alone hold a conversation out loud. All I wanted by that point in time was to lie on my bed and cry until I fell asleep.

It was outside my rooms that my grandparents caught up with me. I had somehow missed them during the day and while the memorial was happening. They look old. They have never truly looked old to me before. I have discovered grief does that to people. They did lose their daughter, and almost me and their son-in-law too.

I managed to get them inside and the door locked before my control broke, which I am thankful for. My grandparents have been there with me through nearly every emotion I have had. They were always very calm and patient with me when I visited as a child and even more so when I was in my teen years.

I was always a very angry child, so they had seen me both rage and cry before. They were a place I could go to if I happened to be on Earth where I knew I could let my emotions out without getting into trouble. It usually helped me with my self control.

I needed it then, I need it now too.

I never got around to speaking to them yesterday, so I will have to do so today, once the sun is higher in the sky and they wake.

At least I slept last night, and am feeling better for having let the emotions from yesterday out. I think I truly would have gone insane if I hadn't.

I am lucky to have grandparents who care about me. Some humans aren't so lucky. Some do not have grandparents.

They have been, and will be until they die, a great comfort to me.

Now I also have friends and Nyota to add to the people who can comfort me.

I will have to get them in a room together and see how they get along. If anything, it could be an interesting social study. I look forward to putting this thought into practice.


	39. Guilt

Made up background in this chapter. I could see something like this happening and everyone not liking him for taking it in a completely logical and unemotional way, and Spock not understanding why everyone is acting the way they are. In other words, this chapter has mentions of suicide. No, it's not Spock, don't worry about that.

* * *

39

I had that talk with my grandparents.

They cried for a while, which made me cry. And it made me feel worse about it then I already did. I feel I caused those tears, not so much with my words, but by being the one who killed their daughter.

They made me realise that I am feeling more guilt than I originally thought I was dealing with.

I have decided that I will need to keep seeing Doctor Stevens while on board, if I am allowed back on board. I am told I need to go through another psych eval to see if I am fit for duty by a Starfleet assigned psychiatrist, not the ship's counsellor.

I am worried I will fail and have both my job and my friends taken away from me.

I don't think I can do this without them.

I do need to deal with this guilt, though. I will not ignore it and hope it will go away, as I know that will not happen. I have seen it before. The young ensign that was my cabinmate my first trip out on a Star Ship, for a six month scientific exploration of a neighbouring planetary system. He was on an away team, in which one of the members died in an accident. He had been about the same distance as I was from my mother when she fell.

Ensign Mallory refused to do anything about what it had done to him. It eventually destroyed him. He waited until we were back on Earth before he took his own life, as he couldn't stand it any longer.

I had never known anyone to take their own life before, and I puzzled over how illogical it was for months afterwards. I finally decided on it being a human quality I did not want. It didn't affect me much, as I wasn't very close to him, and the cultural differences then were much wider than they are now. It was yet another unfortunate thing I did not understand that was happening around me.

I understand now what he was going through and that I was in a position to help, if I had been able to see it, but at that time I couldn't. I was still quite new to being around humans and their emotions and didn't know anything much of value to do with them. I would never have been able to do anything other than lecture him on the illogical emotional response he was having over an accidental death that was in no way his fault to begin with. I doubt that would have been helpful. I think it may have made things even worse.

I am not suicidal, but it scares me that this guilt could get worse and make me so. That I could try to take my own life because my own emotions could force me into trying any way I could think of to ease the pain and confusion and guilt I am feeling over this.

And it is confusing.

I hope none of these thoughts will make me unable to do my duties. I like my job. I want to keep working. I want to belong to something. I need my job.

I am worrying myself for what could possibly be nothing. But this guilt is making me think of these old thoughts again. Because I do feel I killed mother by not reaching out, killed Vulcan simply by being me. Nero was after my older self, and Vulcan was destroyed for emotional revenge, it was Nero's first and most important goal. To make Ambassador Spock suffer like he had suffered. And he purposefully pulled me, a younger Spock whose entire destiny has changed because of this, into it.

A planet for a planet.

It goes back even further with the destruction of the Kelvin. Jim's father is also dead because of me. The childhood he had is my fault.

These thoughts are upsetting me.

I need to stop writing and lie down. I am getting a headache.


	40. Drink

I apologise now :P

* * *

40

I vow to never get drunk again.

I had my psych eval yesterday. Jim thought that should be something to celebrate. I told him alcohol doesn't work on me the way it does on humans, and he laughed. I didn't realise chocolate flavoured alcoholic beverages existed.

I am never doing that again. I don't like not being able to think clearly. I don't like the swimming feeling it gives me, mainly because I try to avoid swimming whenever I can, though I did learn through Starfleet how to swim.

Mostly, I didn't like how it made me lose my sense of logic and move right on to an emotional high that I could not control. I have heard that alcohol works as a depressant, why is it that it makes people happy?

Mind you, I did end up telling my friends what I was thinking at the time, and they now know my thoughts outside of drinking. We all got rather...huggy, I believe is the word used last night. Is that even a word? I don't think it is. The PADD doesn't like it at any rate.

We all ended up asleep on the floor. The drink Jim bought for everyone was high in alcohol content. I wasn't the only one to lose myself.

Nyota was lying next to me. I woke up with my head on her breasts. Her head was on McCoy's lap, so I guess if I should worry, then so should she. McCoy was propped up on the edge of an armchair, which Jim was sitting on, grinning down at us. I don't know in what position he slept in.

My body now aches, my head is pounding and I have a horrid taste in my mouth. Still, at least I was able to keep the contents of my stomach in my stomach. Nyota wasn't so lucky and the other two seem used to alcohol and its effects.

I am worried now that McCoy may be an alcoholic. I didn't bring it up, mainly because right now I need my friends. I am afraid it will scare him away.

I've got to go and speak to Admiral Pike now. I promised him an update on my health.

He is not going to be happy...


	41. Changes

41

I am allowed back on the Enterprise.

The relief I feel is so great I was close to weeping with it earlier.

The only 'rule' given to me was to keep going to Doctor Stevens, and I had already made up my mind to do just that. I am to see her more than once a week for a while. They didn't give me an exact date, so I am only estimating that the time of that stopping will be given to me when Stevens thinks I am ready.

That is fine. I accept this and will obey this one rule faithfully.

Jim brought around more alcohol, though he didn't seem offended when I flat out refused to drink any of the liquid this time.

My grandparents are staying here in a room near mine, which is vacant (it belonged to one of the officers killed on the Farragut.) They don't want me to be without family during this time, and I don't want them to leave. They remind me of my mother and my childhood, but the memories are good ones, not bad.

Sometimes it hurts too much for me to be with them much, but other times, it is more a...what is the emotion...the word? Melancholy? It hurts, but the good of the memories outweighs the grief it makes me feel.

I believe I am once again getting better, but it is by no means back to the almost normal I was on the ship.

This is helping me a lot.

The two weeks is almost up though, and I will leave them once again for the stars and the life journey I have chosen for myself.

While I will miss them dearly, I am looking forward to getting back to my job and life as I prefer it. I think most of the Enterprise crew is feeling the same. I caught Sulu and Chekov talking about their jobs yesterday, both sounding quite eager to get behind the helm once again. No ship will run without its pilot or navigator, so this I see as a good sign.

I have been spending time when not with friends, family, or alone in my room when overly emotional, in the science labs, doing experiments and helping new cadets find their way about.

It seems I am more of an attraction than I used to be. The new cadets seem almost eager to follow me to their classrooms if lost, simply because of my name and species definition.

It oddly amuses me more than annoys me. Before Vulcan's destruction it was the other way around.

How things change.


	42. Sadness

42

I have spent this final day on Earth before we set out again with my grandparents.

I will miss them. I get the feeling now that if I leave them, I will never see them again. They look old, fragile, and weak. It is a combination of age and grief. No parent should have to bury their child it is said. They didn't even get to bury theirs.

I am filled with sadness at our parting tomorrow.

Hopefully, it will be short lived, and my grandparents won't be too grieved with my going.

I worry for them. I worry about my emotional state over them. I worry that said emotional state will become a public display.

I am hoping this will pass.


	43. Harmony

43

I am back to my job, and the worry and sadness has passed much faster than I had ever hoped for.

It seems my job, though rather stressful, eases me in some ways. The science station engages my mind and intelligence, while the captain engages my senses and emotions.

For the first time in my life, I feel that both my Vulcan and Human sides are in complete harmony with each other. Both are allowed their time and place, and though many do not see that human side of me, as they do not know me well enough, Jim and Nyota on the bridge can spot it.

It is allowing me to ease myself of some of my control, and with that, I am able to keep control for longer stretches of time.

It is completely contradictory, though true.

I am fascinated that I am finding this contradiction in myself.

I hope that this state of being lasts for my lifespan. It is a good place to be.


	44. Passion

44

Nyota and I have now been intimate with each other in (nearly) every sense of the word.

Mostly I have found two facts that have gotten me into trouble with her.

Number One being that I do not like the taste of female genitalia. The first time I tried to please her that way, and the only time too for that matter, I quickly gave up, even though she was basically begging for me to continue what I had been doing. As juvenile as it may sound, that type of intimacy is, in one word, yuck.

Number Two is pleasure. Hers fuels mine. While we have not yet accomplished sexual intercourse in the way I know it, there is a chance I will soon be ready for that. She thought the first time that I realised this that I had been lying about Vulcans and sex.

I am sure she is over one of these things by now. I have quite good fingers, or so I have been told.

I also have sensitive fingers and, being Vulcan, I am a touch telepath. Her emotions, her feelings and sometimes, if it is very good for her, little glimpses of her thoughts, are felt and heard by me. She understands this, understood it from the start.

It doesn't make sense that I would know that it would affect me too. I had never been in this situation until now. But it does. Her passion fuels my own, and I am finding it harder every time I am with her to withhold myself from trying to take her as my mate.

We have decided to wait a few weeks before trying that. I think she wants to try to stimulate me without my having done so to her. I have tried this in private. It doesn't work that way.

This is the only bad area in my life right now. And it isn't bad as much as frustrating.

I am sure it will work itself out, given a little more time.

I still may not be able to fully engage her the way she truly wants until I reach my time but at least we have a way to help ease her frustrations now, until then.


	45. Finishing

Yes, this is the last chapter. I will honestly miss writing this story, but it has come to its end. Thank you to those of you who reviewed. To those of you who didn't review, but read anyway. To those who put this story on their favourites list, either as a favourite story, or on story alert. Thank you for sticking with it. Thank you for staying with me. You have all made this story more than I ever thought it could be.

I hope you all enjoy this last chapter.

* * *

45

I have not written in this for months now. While this used to happen sometimes when I was writing in it beforehand, I have noticed a difference between the times.

While before I didn't write out of either a burning need for privacy, was embarrassed about what my feelings were and what I would be writing because of them, or simply because the act of doing so was too much energy. Now it is because there is no more need.

Beforehand, there was always the need to release my feelings in some way, and this was as good a way as any. It was always here for me if and when I felt the need to write in it. To no longer feel that need is both saddening and yet somewhat joyful.

Yet more contradictions in myself.

I no longer need a way to let out my emotions in a controlled, written environment, like these writings have been for me. I started this with no friends, barely started my relationship with Nyota, afraid constantly that she would leave me for not being right for her, and very much alone and feeling unwanted.

I was very lonely.

Now I have friends that I can talk to, that I am not afraid of expressing my emotional needs to, and they will make sure I don't get too out of control. If anything, they help me regain my control if I begin to lose it. They keep me centred and more myself than I ever was able to be on Vulcan.

My relationship with Nyota is very strong. We have fallen into a relationship not without troubles, but which is pleasing and mutually beneficial for the both of us. That she stays with me even through the troubles reminds me strongly of my mother's relationship with my father, and this now brightens my mood instead of dampens it. It worked for my parents and I am sure it can work for us too.

I no longer see Doctor Stevens on a regular basis. I do occasionally see her for her to check up on me. I have a clean bill of mental health, I think the humans call it. Why a bill, is still beyond me. I did not pay anything, nor am I a bird of any type. I suppose I could be a bit like a platypus, though I doubt that is the proper meaning of the words either.

My mind is wandering off topic.

I am no longer alone, naturally. And though I do occasionally get lonely, all I need to do is visit with one of my friends or Nyota and that soon disappears.

I do still go through sad days, though I no longer cry during them. I still miss mother terribly. I think some parts of me always will. I cannot imagine how this makes father feel. He lost his mate, after all.

One thing this whole experience has taken away from me, which I had always felt when I was a child and through my teen years and early twenties, is my anger. I don't understand why, but I do know I am no longer angry at everything like I used to be.

Finding my place in the world, having my family's approval from both the Human and Vulcan sides, and being more in tune to both sides of my nature have helped settle me more into a person I like, that I could have ever hoped for. That my parents could ever hope for me.

All mother had ever wanted for me was to find peace with myself and to be happy and content with all of myself, not just the Vulcan side. I have accomplished this.

I am sure in the knowledge that accomplishing this would have made her extremely proud of me, and that brightens my mood.

She once told me that whatever my choices, she would be proud of me. In this particular instance, I know she would be more so. This would have made her genuinely happy for me.

I cannot think of many instances while she was alive that made her happy for me. My childhood was not a particularly happy one.

I will still do this for her though, as well as for myself. It feels right. It feels good.

I no longer need to express my thoughts on this PADD.

I am no longer compromised, crippled, by my grief.

I am no longer the boy I was before this happened.

Somewhere during the writing of this, I have not only grown more mature and sure of myself, I have become the man I had the potential to always be.

Anger has turned to love.

I am complete. Whole.

That I had to lose so much to get to this point will always sadden me, but it has somehow happened.

This will be my last entry. I am ready to live my own life, free of the emotional crutches that I used beforehand.

Peace and long life.

Farewell.


End file.
